Apartment 402
by PuppySlayer
Summary: Apartment 402 is a scary scary place that you should never enter without a basketful of puppies. A mildly badass Shinji fic.


**Disclaimer: I did not download any Eva mp3 so you ain't suing me, Gainax.**

**Fic Category: Literature**. Like real classy shit.

* * *

Like a tard bursting into the living room to show his parents a pancake made of turd, Shinji robbed Asuka's attention from the evil propaganda machine showing some reality show.

Shinji imitated the grass cutting hand movement popularized by many hip hop music videos and lately done to death by his nerd friend, Kensuke.

"Do you know what happened today, Asuka?" Shinji sounded like he was going to announce he won the lottery and he just called a harem of girls and gigolos to come over.

"That you stopped being Mr. Doom and Gloom?" Asuka answered her boring friend with another question.

"No, something awesome and totally sweet happened when I drop by Rei's apartment today."

Awesome and sweet were two adjectives seldom attached to the mysteriously boring Rei Ayanami and Asuka knew it better than her dumb ass pilot housemate. Despite everything, if Shinji wanted to tell her something, she would allow him the opportunity. Violent punishment could always follow if her slave did not entertain her.

"Yeah, so I went to her place to give her the new Nerv ID card. You wouldn't imagine the place she lived in, Asuka. Come on, take a guess."

"In a trailer?" Asuka answered as she tried to push the boy away from the screen.

"Close. She lives in the project. I always thought a nice and conservative girl like her would never lives in such a tough place but I guess everything is a surprise when it comes to Rei."

"Right, she's a blast," Asuka answered, not caring if her words sounded sarcastic or not.

Shinji plopped down next to Asuka and grabbed a handful of chips.

"Nervously, I rang the doorbell and hollered but no one answered. It was like a ghost house in there. So I tried the handle and it was unlocked, like magically. The door wouldn't budge anymore than a couple of inch no matter how hard I pushed it. Hey, Asuka, are you still with me?"

"You're at this scary ghost house with an unlocked door which could be working in mysterious ways unfathomable to ordinary human beings," Asuka repeated.

"Then I found the dastardly object that stood in my way to give Rei her Nerv ID. A vicious looking terrier pup was blocking my way to achieve my quest of glory like an evil, treasure-hoarding dragon. The defiant pup stared back at me and I knew there were irreconcilable differences between us that could only be solved through manly use of physical force. With a quick, decisive strike, I poked its evil, soulless eye out with the tip of my shoe. To my surprise, the evil canine did not keel over and submit defeat in my victory. Alas, the evil creature was long defeated and was spared from my berserker wrath which would tear the apartment building down like an avenging force of nature."

The red haired girl removed her eyes from the television and looked at the chest-thumping boy beside her.

"You're a little wordy today, Shinji. That's not like you. Your description of objects usually sounded like something out of Linkin Park's lyric. Full of hardcore imagery of bleeding walls and dark hued sky and crawling spiders under your penis foreskin."

Shinji shivered at the mention of creepy crawlies making a nest inside his penis. Eight legged freaks shooting through a man's penis exhaust port like a half tube is a devastating image that could bring a He-Man's towering erection to World Trade Center like demise. But he soon regained his courage thanks to the encouragement of non-clothed female skins.

"But I'm a different man now. Because I saw Rei naked!"

Asuka rolled her eyes at this idiocy taking place.

"You didn't see Rei naked. She is too dumb to get naked for any retard. Especially a tard like you."

Shinji made some movement, which looked like he was pulling mammaries from a cow to which Asuka feigned ignorance.

"I did see her naked. When she dislodged the demon canine from the door, she was only wearing a towel beneath her totally naked body. I can even see water dripping down from her hair and slipping right between her cleavages. Now, tell me which part of her is not naked?"

Destructive forces poured out of Asuka, restrained only by unreasonable will to allow Shinji to humor her. Impending war was cancelled with a slap to her forehead.

"By the same argument, I am also nak…" Asuka stopped her sentence before idiocy infected her as well.

Shinji grabbed a passing Pen-pen and started to rub its stomach with the fury of an army of Energizer Bunny bent on worldwide genocide.

"So I stood there and looked at Rei and her tits and she looked back at me. Aeons passed between us. It was like a sexually charged chess match with supercomputers. I continued staring at her, at the same time, focusing my optical powers to vaporize the water droplets falling down her neck. Minutes later, a powerful tsunami of technological advancement enlightenment hit me on the head," Shinji said, knocking on his head for emphasis.

Seizing the opportunity, the arctic bird dashed back to its freezer like a bat out of hell. The place has been getting weirder by days since the lunatic kids invaded its home. It was only a matter of time before Pen-pen would be called Fido and fed with dog biscuit if the sanity level kept going down.

"My libido pumped like a hydraulic pump possessed. In one swell swoop, I grabbed Rei by her slim waist that is, unlike yours, not fat, and pulled her against me. I could even hear some porno music playing in the background and…"

A pair of hands wringing the life out of Shinji Ikari stopped the boy from weaving his tale.

"I…am…not…fat. And you totally didn't pull Ayanami against you."

Shinji struggled for a moment before the red haired girl released him. Though his story was a dirty lie to Asuka, the German girl wanted to hear all of it before deciding on the punishment.

"Go on."

"Did I tell you Rei is so hot like in 7635 ways? She is like a 24/7 anime channel showing tentacle rape featuring beautiful priestesses being raped in the face by those crazy Kamen Rider monsters. Where was I again? Right, I was up close with her in a way that could only be sexier if she is my sister that I didn't know of. You know those harem anime these days, they always feature a female character that the hero didn't know is his half sister or something. And somehow, she always end up understanding the hero most compared to the rest of the female cast. So, yeah, basically, I'm saying that, being with Rei feels really good, like I'm with my sister which I never had."

Asuka instantly scooted a few inch away from Shinji as his talk went into the realm of creepiness. It was more comfortable to have the mildly depressed Shinji to talk about how he was a loser and wasn't going to get any girls compared to this honest to god psycho sitting next to her talking about taboo subject.

"Then Rei invited me in. Her apartment is sweet, like the smell of industry grade cleaner. Citrus flavor. She asked me to sit on her bed while she clean up the place a bit. Rei is such a badass anti-mainstreamer. You wouldn't see any lame Ikea shit lying around like a hobo's pad. She doesn't even have a chair in her home. She's like an artist. All misunderstood, psycho and shit."

Asuka laughed at Shinji's description, "Maybe she is just poor."

In a surprise reaction, the mecha pilot boy held a defiant finger against Asuka.

"Poor, maybe. But at least she's not a slut like you."

There were times when Asuka Sohryu wanted a badass Shinji that would spar wits and brute force against her every now and then. Sometimes when the wish was granted, it wasn't as pretty as she wished.

"Before I kill you, Shinji, explain," Asuka promised with a dull tone. Her brain cells were dying to the trillions just by talking to Shinji.

Shinji held up his hands and pretended to stretch a strip of bacon. "There were panties on her bed. White cotton, pristine, springy panties; lying neatly on her bed. Everyone knows that only young and beautiful virgin wears white panties. Sluts, whore and assorted nasty girls all wear black."

A raging fist containing the sum total of her murderous rage threatened the oblivious Shinji Ikari.

"Tell me a good reason why I shouldn't kill you violently today?" Asuka sang.

Shinji scratched his chin lightly, unlike a man threatened to an instant demise. He contemplated for approximately ten nanoseconds before coming up with a surefire answer.

Slapping a fist to his right hand, Shinji proclaimed, "Rei is really good at making tea naked."

"Rei is really good at making tea. Naked." Asuka was this close to going Autopilot: Genocide mode.

"Yeah. Naked," Shinji did the quote unquote thing with his finger.

Asuka blinked hard as she thought about the statement and its importance. Then somehow, she wandered to the realm of string theories and quantum physics bullshit, which reminded her to kill Shinji again. As many times as possible.

With a friendly slap to Shinji's thigh, Asuka got up from the couch.

"You know what? This calls for celebration. I'm going to fix you a sandwich."

"Naked?" Shinji looked up to the beautiful red head like a forlorn puppy.

Asuka smirked. "Hell no. You stay here."

* * *

In apartment 402, a young lady was about to be disturbed from her tea session with her male guest who might require some form of liberation. The phone rang. Rei made sure to have every inch of her body made contact with the prone body of Shinji Ikari as she slid across the bed.

"What do you want, old man?"

"Shinji is safe with me here." Rei looked at her unwilling guest bound and gagged on her bed.

"There is a situation, Rei. The Shinji we just send… he was grotesquely murdered by Asuka. Not salvageable," Gendo replied on the other end.

"What options do we have now?"

Gendo hit a few key on his computer. "We have Slacker-Shinji clone and Pro-War Shinji clone. Out of Angstman."

"Just send the Slacker. Busy. Goodbye."

Click

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A/N: A good friend in a forum told me, there is this distinct style of writing called stream-of-consciousness writing that defeats every other style of writing. I found it a rather effective way to write, or at least to conjure enough interest to finish a story. You just have to visualize a gateway in your head, or rather, an anus. Filter all the good ideas from your mind and let the shitty ones pass. When the volume of shit ideas reach a critical mass, you let it all go like an enema of unadulterated creativity. You should try it sometime.

I would like to thank readers who are fans of Paper Angel and new readers alike.

Zepoodle: One swell guy who believes in quality even in shitfics.

King Alar: Partly inspired by his effort to catalog classic crapfics.

**Next fiction: Kamen Rider Asuka**. While Shinji has been given the role of many white guy superhero, what about Asuka? And what about the greatest masked superhero in Japanese which created the whole goddamn genre for your transforming superhero type? Don't miss this brand new crossover which some jerks may call it as illogical shit because Asuka will be riding all over Tokyo-3 kicking asses. Read it or Asuka will Rider Kick you in the face!


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